Oscar Again

Oscar, I have something to tell you. You've been so good in listening to me and understand what I am feeling. This is about a moment in my life; a very moment; where I was thinking that I felt like I was cheated. It's like waking up from a nightmare. It's like that greatest guy I thought was great, is not at all. But then, why am I still thinking about him? Why do I have a double, triple standards for him and other people I've dated. I didn't give a chance, not a chance, for any of them like I gave him. Every single crazy things he did that drove me crazy, would've made a guy erased from my schedule, and my phone book, and my email list. But, no, no, not him.

I've learned so much from him, just being his friend. It's not because he really taught me about life, but it's something that I learned through our interactions, our conversations, our thoughts, our discussions, and everything, is just have been shaping me as a person, whom I really enjoy being and I can't wait what kind of other adventures are waiting for me in my life.

I watched Pride and Prejudice one time with my girlfriends. I thought the movie was ugly. It was about nothing. No single "intelligence" problems at all at the movie. But the main thing was this struggle of girls in England in the old days, that their main obligation is getting married. But the question was, should they married because of money or love. Money or love. What dumb question is that? Of course not money, but love. But these beautiful girls got what they want, love, and all the excess of it, which is money. But the value is, they didn't choose the wrong man. They choose the right man, who have integrity. But, what is the definition of "the right man"? There is nothing to that, for me, as long as we can talk without me or him being annoyed, but entertained, and he could listen to me, understand me and vice versa. And if he can see me through my eyes and voice and listen to me, completely, I am all for that. But, there is also something fundamental about choosing the right guy, which for me is being with a guy who loves God, which is something he isn't. Or I don't know, does he?

Okay. This might seems bad. Very very bad that it comes out of my mind. Or is it normal? If there is any normal human being at all? It is a rage. An anger. I have inside me. An anger that I have towards them. Well, not really them. It's actually an anger to myself. Don't ask me to go to counseling. I don't believe in counseling. The only one who could help me is God. Yes. God. So far, he's doing a good job, although I know most of the time, I am the one who screwed me up.

I have this image, right this minute, this second, to drive away and to do something very very bad. But then, while my head is fire up and I can feel the anger rise to my brain, I could only know but think, that this has past. It has over. I had woken up from that nightmare. I knew I had woken up from the nightmare. And I could live my life now.

But that was last night. People said a dream is something above your head, inside your mind, that you yourself sometimes are not willing to listen, but they came anyway. Last night, after the fact, I dreamt that I was with her and him. Three of us. I dreamt that we were at peace. I was at peace knowing that they were together. Wasn't that so weird? So weird that I would let him go just like that. But it was also so weird that I felt I was at peace. If this is what my heart has been saying all this time, I will listen. Because I remember the day I betrayed myself. The day I was not listening and kept on going to the wrong direction. I will listen to my heart this time. I will let him go. for good.

... I still think it was weird, but I knew I am doing the right thing.