An Attempt is Everything

Michael told me this one she found out about my-past-ill relationship with Noel."Why did you break up with him," she said. And I came up with a list of things, mainly value-based things that we both do not agree with and that could be a major problem if the relationship goes on. Michael tried to help me with reminding me about the reasons I broke up with Noel. This would be my other attempt, that I would keep in my pocket and look if I remember the hurt again.

Top ten list why I broke up with Noel

• Liar.
  Remember how many times he lied just about everything including his relationship with Amanda. I forgive people, of course, but trusting could be difficult. And there you go, that's the problem. You couldn't trust him cause he didn't show any changes in his attitude.And you know relationship cannot happen without the trust factor.
• Cheater.
  Euu. You know what that means. How many times you caught him cheating, or whatever he called that, he was still with Amanda when he dated you. Now, he even cheated to Amanda with someone else, isn't he. Yeah. He just didn't deserve your trust anymore.
You can stop, now, both were enough reasons for you not to remember the hurt. He's not even that good.
• He doesn't respect your freedom of thoughts. And that is very principal, how could you be agree on anything else under the sun, then?
• You were not happy when you were with him. You were happier now, right. When you have your freedom to do whatever things you want to do in life.
• Okay. I stopped, and look, you don't even need ten of them. That's enough.

Michael, as odd as her name is michael instead of michelle, she is a very good friend of mine. I met Michael in our Monday night volunteer tutoring in the children library. I know Michael is in my life for a reason. Just to let my garbage out and listening to myself talking to Michael really give me a hole in the head. I need that. The entire deal with Noel is seems so crazy even when I retold the story to someone else. I have no idea how in the world I got into the trouble this far and keep going with the flow. As Ill as it is, Noel has shaped me. Love is something we are willing to live with. I have been patient with Noel and took the lies and the hurt until my own self cannot bear with it anylonger. Though sometimes I can feel the beauty of abiding in his love and continue to love him even though everyone around me keep asking what I am loving him for. What for and what part of him I love, I do not know anymore. All I know is that I love him the way he is. Scary, isn't it.

Thanks, Michael. You made me see myself and introspect just by talking to you. Thanks for listening. One of the things that I just realize is that I learned something from this. I learned that I am capable to love someone again. Ups. My phone is ringing. Mark. He probably wants to see if I still want that ticket to the Nutcracker.

To be continued here