Objects in Mirror are Closer than They Appear

"Wait, I forgot my gun," Nick said. My apartment is just across the street where he parked his car. Carrying a gun or not really does not make any difference if someone attacked us. And beside, it is only eleven, no freaks really get out at this hour. They were out when every other normal people are not usually out. And they won’t attack us since they were both of us.

On my street, there are hardly any problems. Actually, since the bars and the businesses are down here, people who usually sell drugs moved away on their own. They know people live here, and they know this is not their territory any longer. I love this 19th century neighborhood. The sense of being in a place is strong and the beautiful houses around here really tell so many stories. This is why I love this place. “You don’t need your gun; you don’t have to walk me to my door,” I finally said that out of the blue. I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t want to torture this guy from being scared to death of this neighborhood. He better goes home to his lovely suburb.

That was the last time I’ve seen Nick. It has been several months now since we stopped seeing each other. Nick is one of David’s friends. David already warned me about him, since he knew both of us and he knew we're just not right for each other. Nick is a very good guy who always treated a girl the way she supposed to be treated. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him, and his attitude, but David knew who I am. He knew I will be bored with him. And I just thought it was worth to try to date him, so we went out a couple of times. David was right. And I have to be honest to Nick that I don't have the feeling for him and there was not any chemistry between us. And for the last three dates we had, all we did was fighting about suburbs and cities. Nick hates downtown. It was absolutely a no-no for him to walk on the street without his gun. He has a license, so it is okay for him. It was not fun at all not to be able to be who I am. The differences between us were just too much. I was soo bored. I knew him from a party that David’s threw out in our place. David was my roommate for a year before I can afford to live by myself. David was the best roommate I’ve ever had, he is harmless ‘cause he’s gay and I like everything else about homo; they are clean and neat, except one thing. David always brought a guy back to our apartment to spend the night. We have our own rooms, and they were not directly connected. Our apartment was a long townhouse with four rooms and our bedrooms are separated by three other rooms, bathroom, kitchen and living room. I chose the room at the end of the hall. I need my own quiet space where I can meditate and study without anyone bothering me. And the noises I heard from his bedroom were bothering me so much, I cannot sleep. I finally had enough and decided to move out even I have to eat peanut butter sandwich everyday to be able to afford my own apartment.

David and I are still good friends. He understands why I moved and he thought this move will be healthy for me too. He helped me to find a new apartment and I found one just five blocks from his. He helped me to move and picked out furniture from Goodwill Thrift Store. Even though I am a poor-just-graduated-college-student with so much debt of college loans, I am anti Wal Mart just to get me cheap stuffs. David and I are agree that the company is fooling the society by thinking that the stuff are cheap but it was actually at someone else’s cost, that one day could become our cost. And I curse the big box retailing for ruining our beautiful farmland and forest and park with the ugly grey sea of parking lots.

Goodwill in the other hand is recycling in a sense. It was sort of fun too, looking at valuable things among the junks. One thought that I had in mine is that I don’t like to shop if I don’t need things; I don’t like nick-nacks and clutter. We bought dining table and the chairs and a couch. I got a desk from David’s parents. It was a big oak desk that his mom bought for his dad for his wedding present when he was still in the medical school. “Was that hard to get the desk up to the third floor?” Jim, David’s dad asked me one time when David took me to his parents’ house. I explain that it was actually easy because my apartment is not very high and the desk was not that heavy for both of us. And we got a green army box from an antique store out in Milford that I put in the living room to match my couch from the goodwill. The couch is green with ugly flowers, once it was home, I bought a white sheet cover and sewed a white cover for it. It look so much better now, matched with my curtains.

“How’s your date,” asked David while looking at my books in the shelf. The shelf is getting crowded with the stack of books I had from a library sale the other day. I shook my right hand to let him know it didn’t really work. Nick and I had things in common, we were great as friends, but not in a relationship. I questioned him, and when I questioned, I know something is just not right. “You stubborn girl,” he said. That moment, I just wish he’s not gay…

David is the ambassador to the U.S. of A. in my life. He's almost like a brother to me. He helped me with all my break-up dramas, both overseas and local. I had a boyfriend before I came here and everything was just fell apart. Long distance relationship without a true and strong foundation and a true love, of course won't work. The other time he helped me to get out of a guy in the office that bothers me so much I cannot stand. I had to "hire" one of David's friend to become my "boyfriend" to get this guy out of my hair. The word "no, thank you" just doesn't mean anything to this guy, he kept asking me out every second even when I was working. So every lunch time, Noel, David's friend would call me and took me to lunch, and to make it sort of like a boyfriend-girlfriend date. After a while, the guy in the office finally get out of my life forever. The last thing I heard he is in Florida. I am glad that's over with.

Then another drama was when Noel and I were actually dating, out of those pretend-dates, we clicked right away. I dated him for a year until I found out that he was actually still dating his old girlfriend. How could he did that to me and to her, I don't understand. The girlfriend, though, seems to know from the first time that Noel and I were seeing each other, but that was apparently okay for her. It was painful as hell to know that, but glad that I knew about that before I went too far. And again, David was my angel who helped me to get out of the pain. He could be really good at that, came to my apartment with a big box of graeter's black cherry ice cream, fixed me a fruit cocktail with yogurt when I was so misserable and cannot get out of the bed for a week and spent my whole month tissue supply and did not eat for days. And I finally learn the lesson: not to date any of David's friends ever again. When I told him about my conclusion after I got back to my feet again, he said,"You can't judge people just because they were my friends, Wulan, that's not fair, hon. You'll find your guy one day, and it could be one of my friends." It was always funny the way he said my name. I know it's a foreign word to him and sometimes it's just funny in your ear when someone else with a different tone saying your name.

My heart beating faster as I run and even faster when I saw Noel and Amanda. Okay, I heard about them going out again, but accepting reality is harder than it seems. And as an adult (or one who's trying to be), and an intelligent person, I have to act normal. And I did. I smiled and waived at them while keep running. It has been a year and two months and five days and forty minutes now since I left Noel. Still, I am here stuck with the idea of him and what we could have been. I am absolutely have no intention to return to my relationship with Noel, even if it is possible, but I thought I could use some time for vacation (or to run away).

Penn Station, September 8, 2002. 10:00 pm
It was not a dejavu when I felt light and free. I felt this before when I flew from Indonesia to Cincinnati. I was sad that I have to leave all my family and the place that I love so much, but the feeling of freedom was so overwhelming and I cannot wait for the next thing. Penn Station was packed even though it was 10:00 pm. This is the first time I landed in the big apple. The coolest thing that I wish Cincinnati would do 100 years ago, build subway system. There is no big city, as far as I can recall, that has no subway or light rail for mass transit. And this underground snake has shaped every living being in New York and free themselves from cars. What a heaven!

Yellow ripe oranges and red-granny apples neatly stacked on the fruit vendors right by the sidewalk. In front of them there were magazines and newspapers piled up in front of the magazine vendors, lights were everywhere I did not need to allert with my maze that I kept in the pocket. As much as I have read about NYC from the fifties through today, I cannot imagine the excitement to be in the city and experience it my own.

I moved to New York for I don't know how long, to run away from Noel or whatever happened between us. It was painful but showly I can accept the reality. Every relationship shaped us, and although it was bitter, there was always something we can harvest from it. Noel in someways has thought me to love. It's not the kind of love you can lay out when you like and folded when you don't want it. He told me about his favorite book, the Giving Tree, after we fought for the last time. Sheil Silverstein wrote the book, it was a book everyone read when they were five. The book has a green cover on it and a picture of a little boy looking at a tree that its branches are trying to reach for the boy.

I sat with him on the end of his bed. We just fought. I told him that I hate him and I regret that I met him. He cried and said no one has ever said that to him. I cried too. I love him so much, I didn't hate him. He read to me the giving tree, his favorite book. “Once there was a giving tree who loved a little boy…” I listened to him carefully. I’ve never knew a guy who this sensitive and kind. I’ve never knew about the book. Now I knew that jealousy is not part of love but a selfish attitude.

Knowing Noel is like catching back with my childhood, with candies, the swing, Muppet shows, Mr. Rogers, and train-shows. Eating hard and soft candies from the Murray Brothers store after we went to lunch at Mulane’s. The soft candies are his favorite; there is one which called French Chew. It is a block of soft candies that you can bite and chew for a little while in your mouth, creating a taste of milk and sugar but not too sweet when you chew where you have to be careful for it has powder around it to keep it from melting. His other favorite is the round candy with fruit tastes with so many colors, green, yellow, orange, and yellow is his favorite.

I was happy to be with him. What matters to me was the present that I can spend as much as I can with him. The deep valleys between our silences when we drove brought my self asking how long our relationships will last. Would he still love me when I am old, and fat, and ugly, and wrinkled?

"I have no money," said the tree, "Just apples, twigs and leaves.” Tears started crawling down his eyes. This story about the tree, he said told him about love and how love should be. It’s all about giving. The tree has an unconditional love for the boy, even though what he did made her sad and requires sacrifice of what she has. And of what she doesn’t have. “And the tree was happy,”

I asked him if he ever had that kind of love. Love that is always gives and never hopes for a return. He kept silent. And I stopped asking.

What reminds me is that the relationship between the tree and the boy went on and on because they love each other. The tree was happy although everyone else in the world could see the boy as a never ending predatory taker while the tree is the compulsive giver. But if the tree said that she was happy, who are we to say that she is not? And the boy loves the tree. He kept coming back to the tree after every other excitement was over. He finally came back to the tree when he realized he was too exhausted by his life. Well, in my case, Noel, is definitely doesn't love me so I have to go. He might said that he did, but love is not a noun. It is a verb. I have to measure by the action that he did. Being a compulsive giver to a predatory taker would be stupid without love at both side of the bridge.

to be continued here

PS: Can anyone tell this is just a fiction? I plan to add more to this. I begin to like David and Wulan.