My conversations with Oscar

Why in the world I would want to nail myself to the ground? Please forget what I said before, Oscar...I got your postcard today, it was like finding a long lost friend...

I am listening to a cheesy music from a movie soundtrack I used to watch three years ago. What weird is that it didn't sound weird at all. May be somehow inside me there's this cheesy girl afterall. No, I am not hiding her behind my fond of jazz and classical music, it's just I've never thought I am gonna like it. It's like finding myself finally enjoying eggplant, when my mom tried to fed me vegetables when I was a child.

I still don't understand why you send me those link of "the gift to finally loose oil supply?" Yes, I agree, that oil has become a power everyone after even by sacrificing lifes. Life that should not be taken for granted. Life we should be grateful with. But, of course, I agree with the opinion, still I wonder why suddenly you were thinking about it. Or is that your answer to my request? That now you're gonna go back home? I am still waiting here, Oscar, let me know if you change your mind...

August 22, 2005
Oscar, you said that if I can list one by one all the things I am thinking about, I would figure out what made me sad. I would figure out what made me not to like him. He has every good quality in a guy, but I am just not sure of his love to my God. Should I continue to see him? All I know about him is that he prayed before he eats, but that's all. He doesn't talk about God at all, but neither did I...I surely don't want everything, but only one: his love of my God. He won the points, though, that he likes me. That's a catch there, but that is not enough. I dumped so many others with the same quality. He has to like both: me and my God.

Oscar, I miss Indra so much. Do you think she misses me too?

Oscar, do you remember the movie we watched over and over: How to Loose a Guy in 10 days? Well, I did that. In purpose. And it was easier than ever because all I did was scared him off. And he told me about how he loves "fear" and I feared him. Heh. I was so satisfied that he finally went of and ran! He doesn't love Jesus and one thing the feared the most is "what if there is no God?". No, Oscar. He might makes a good friend, but that's all, brother. I have more important things to do.

So you want to dedicate your life to Kampung and Kota? And the people who live in Kampung and Kota? That's similar with what I want to do, but why can't I talk to you to let you know that motivation matters? It matters because motivation burns our passion that fills up our energy tank.

One rainy Monday Night in September
I miss you so much, Oscar, I could cry. But I won't. If the only way to go through grief is to go through it, then I will let my tears wet my face. I don't know if it is about this city or how this city reminds me of you, of us. Although every single corner is changing faster and faster, I can still see our foot steps on those sidewalk.

I went out dancing today. I remember that dancing was so easy when it was with you. The one I trust that would lead me and guided me. It was so hard to dance with strangers.

And the rain and this end of summer evening reminds me when I decided to go with you. We were running and you were so upset with the entire situation. I can't blame you cause I know I had my mistake too. None of these things I regret. Things that led me to go back further and deeper in my relationship with God. I am growing in faith, I know. None of them I want to forget. The wound might leave a scar, but the scar became a part of me, and there is nothing more beautiful than that...

I guess if trying to get over someone we loved is impossible, then we might have just to learn to live with it. It is here again. I miss him so much, I could cry. I will treat it as a grief that I need to go through.

The last days of Summer 2005
I failed today, Oscar. But I know I am not a quiter. I let the tears run down for sometimes when you tried to talk to me that I can do it better next time. Now I set my mind to win next time. Thank you for being with me, Oscar.
These last days of summer reminds me of something I couldn't get rid of since the first month of the year. What would be more charming than someone who devoted his life to God? Who would do anything to please Him? I think I found what I want, Oscar. And I know it might be a dream, but everything in my life started with a dream anyway...(Remember Tamara Geraldine who inspired me to live by myself, work part-time while going to school, get out of my parents' house, and come here..I did it all with a dream, and of course God who blessed me). Now, I have found my dream job, confirmed to be there, and serve God with what I have, I found my dream boy.

Last night, I was praying about him and there's a huge burden I could feel when praying about his needs, as if we were in it together. As if his burden was my burden too. As if his battle was my burden too. What was that, Oscar? You would be happy that I finally found him. Although I think I am invisible for him. But if love is hopeful, I will be hopeful too that God will listen to my prayers and connect our hearts. But if even He doesn't, it doesn't mean that I can't love him or support him. I will continue praying for him, Oscar, now that I know what I want.

Forget about him, Oscar. I was wrong. And you know what my mistake is? I always, always fell to a bad boy, even the one I thought was the right person. Why is that, Oscar? Is there any radar inside me that tells me that? Bbfff...

October 8, 2005
I was there because of you but nothing else. Nor it was because of your unrespectful coworker who cannot treat his wife the way she supposed to be treated. I am not a feminist freak, but a guy should treat a girl with respect, just as he would treat anyone else. He said I said no word that night? Well, may be because he can't hear me or gave me a chance to say something between all his whining and complaining about his wife. I am sorry I could not pretend, Oscar. But you know I care about you. You're my best friend.

The naturalist said this morning that we had just enough rain to hold the moisture in the trees and let them hold the leaves a few more weeks even when it changed colors. I know, you love this weather, don't you.

Sitting there beside you all day, I was just thinking how beautiful you were and how I was so happy to know you. I just wished you continue your question,"Keiko, I have a question about finding God..." I was so happy to hear that, too happy until you can see the shine on my face and you thought you hold the question longer cause you know you're in trouble since I would be preaching about God...I am still waiting, Oscar. I want you to know God. I am still praying for you. I can't change you, but God can. Happy birthday, Oscar...

Oscar, yesterday, when I was getting dress to get ready for church, the Old St. Mary's bell sounded different. I felt it to my bones. Every single sound was like pulling me down to earth and brought my attention to the deepest concern of what would my family do if I die? It might be just the cold, and the clouds, and the color of the bricks, and the wet and gray street that brought my attention to think about dying. And it might be just because I heard in NPR that people across the globe are suffering from disasters, landslide in Guatemala, earthquake in Pakistan and India, hurricane in Gulf Coast, and everything else. Or may be it was because I was so afraid to leave you. And then I thought, Oscar, I am not supposed to be sad or even worried about death. I am not actually. I am just trying to make up scenarios of what I supposed to do if I die. I want to be cremated. Not burried. That I knew for sure. Just throw away my ashes to the ground, I wouldn't care, as long as I knew that my body is not lying in the dark...My parents would be the receiver of everything I own. Not you, Oscar, I didn't tell you I changed everything once we broke up? You're my best friend now, but I think my parents will take care of my things better than you...and I would be so happy to meet God when I die....

October 10, 2005
You called and asked me if I want to go to New York? Of course I will. New York is my most ultimate place to be. The place is a puzzle for me waiting to be discovered through every single edge of the shape, the streets, parks, sidewalks, subway terminals and steps and bridges.

The other day you asked me if I have a vacation day I could use, when my lips said yes, I didn't intent to go with you. I know it was just dead wrong if I go with you even though I could not wait to see your pretty face again. Even though I live for the present, there is someone I respect and I love more than I love you. "You left me for Jesus," that's what you said, and I could not argue because it was true. Being with you does lighten up my days, and I could say to the world right now if you want me to, but if I have to choose between you or my God, then I would be sad but I have to leave you. I am still waiting, Oscar. For that word, the word you're about to ask about finding God. And I love you so much I am praying for Him to reveal Himself to you.

Oscar, I want to thank you for taking care of me this weekend. The one thing I could not resist about you is that you care so much about me. When Michelle asked,"Why does he care so much about you?" I could not answer or defended you. For her, you are just an "ex-boyfriend", not even worth to mention in my present life. Somehow I thought you were also invisible in my life as I am also invisible in yours. No one we knew knew that we are still in contact with each other. I told everyone I don't need anything when I have you. Somehow I am afraid if no one would understand our relationship when we are just best friend, somehow I am afraid that they will judge you as this evil ex-boyfriend when in fact you are my best friend I could count on, somehow I am afraid that they will judge us as having an affair when all we are doing is nothing closer to any of that, somehow, part of me is happy to see you. I am feeling so much better with the chicken soup I made and ate all weekend long. Yenni made me some ginger tea that made me feel better also. We watched this movie about a male dancer that found himself and his own style and finally a dance partner that he loves. It requires trust to dance with someone, and until now, I can't dance well with any guys other than you. Ya, you know me, a person who, perhaps, thinking too much, about everything and anything on earth. *Sigh*

Oscar, remember our conversation about FREE WILL? I apologize that I thought you were wrong and I was right while in fact you were right and I was wrong, and I was so ignorant to think that you cannot accept the fact that you were wrong and judged you. Thanks for being cool with that.

I realized now, and thank God, that He had me realized, again, that I didn't have free will before I knew him, because I was dead. And dead people cannot choose. They didn't live in the first place. But now I have free will, because He saved my life and my soul. He is working in me to prepare my soul to be clean someday.

I was looking at my plants, the rose, the avocado, the aloe vera, the bulbs, the ferns, the chili, celery, geranium, the spider, the palm, the basil, the orange, and everything else. How can I find someone I trust to take care of those plants when I am gone? It's gonna be a hard one and a half month for them and I really don't want them to die...

I found someone to take care of my plants. What a wonderful thing.

Somehow this fall doesn't look as pretty as the last one, or is it me who do not set aside the time to enjoy it? The last week I spent with you was wonderful, although I know for sure, you are not my first priority anymore Oscar. God is. And if there is something I would love to happen, is for you to turn back to God. Is it possible? God is the only one who knows.

"Look at the trees"
"I love the three rows of mapple with various shade of red to green."
"Where are your sunglasses?"
"I can't wear them cause I have these on," I pointed my sunglassess. Oscar stopped the red-Chetak, took of his glasses and gave it to me.
"See the shades? Somehow it turns out with the sunglasses. Wear your contact lenses next time so you can wear your sunglasses."
We rode and rode again throughout the beautiful small roads with trees on the left and the right. I feel the breeze but not enough to freeze me. I am wearing Oscar's sweater, it was big enough for me to put my fingers inside the arms.

Oscar, I am frigthened with the dream I had last night. Not that I don't want to be with you, but because I know it wouldn't be possible, at least in our stage of relationship right now. We have none! Although I knew you enough, I could read your mind...Would you please just go away and let me live my life? .Sigh.